Reflections on Caring for an Aging Parent: Chapter 2 - The Tipping Point
Lessons learned from my mom's final years.
This is Chapter 2 in the series. In case you missed it, you can read the Introduction to this series here. And you can read Chapter 1 here:
Chapter 2 - The Tipping Point
It was a Thursday when we finished going through her office. On Saturday I called to check on her, but the call went to voicemail, which was not unusual. Then on Sunday one of her neighbors texted to say she had not heard from Mom. Again, not always unusual. So I texted and called her again and got no response.
A reasonable option would have been to ask one of her neighbors to go check on her. But they had already done that so many times over the years that I no longer felt right putting that burden on them. Quite frankly, they were burned out. It had begun to scare them, either because the house was disgusting or because they feared that one day they would find her dead. I do not blame them. My mom leaned on her neighbors far more than she should have, and I remain grateful for the help they gave her over the years while my brother and I lived elsewhere. In some ways, that is what neighbors are for. But there are limits.
So instead of asking a neighbor, I called the police and requested a welfare check. The responding officer called me when he arrived. I gave him the code to the garage keypad (something I was glad to have) and talked him through the layout of the house. Sure enough, he found her laying on the floor of her bedroom. She was awake and talking, but she was not making sense.
They took her to the emergency room, and I drove up to Austin to see her. That is when I learned how profoundly a urinary tract infection (UTI) can affect the mind of an older person.
When I asked Mom what had happened, she told me a fantastical story about camping in the woods, being chased, and many other outlandish things. She provided elaborate details about her adventures, each more bizarre than the previous. To her, the story was entirely real.
When she finished, I said, “No, Mom, that’s not what happened. I called the police because we hadn’t heard from you. They found you on the floor of your bedroom. You had been down there at least a day or so.”
“No,” she said, while wagging her finger at me. “That’s not what happened. You think you know what happened, but I really know what happened.”
I knew enough not to argue with someone whose mind was not functioning clearly, so I dropped it. What I did do, though, was ask her to tell me the story again, and I recorded it on my phone.
Over the next few days, the antibiotics began clearing the infection, and as they did, her mental clarity returned. At one point she asked, “What was it you said happened to me?” I told her, and she shook her head because it conflicted with the fading memories in her own mind.
I pulled out my phone and said, “Mom, I want to play you something. This is you explaining what happened.” We listened to the earlier recording. When it was over, I asked, “Which version makes more sense to you—what you said then, or what I am telling you now?”
When she realized her version of reality did not make sense, and that mine did, she became scared. And understandably so. It would be frightening for anyone to realize that their own brain had deceived them about reality.
She cried. I comforted her and told her we would work through it together.
That was the beginning of the whirlwind effort by my wife and me to find a place where she could be better cared for.
But first, in the next chapter, we’ll talk about medical issues in older age.
Advice
If an older loved one is suddenly confused or delirious, consider a urinary tract infection and get it checked immediately.
If something feels “off,” don’t brush it off too quickly.
Make sure you have a way to access the home in an emergency.
Know how to request a welfare check and don’t feel guilty for using that option when needed.
If an older loved one lives alone, prolonged silence can be a warning sign.
Keep a list of neighbors, friends, or nearby contacts who know the person’s routines.
When someone is delirious, don’t waste energy arguing with them. Focus on getting them treated and safe. Once they are clear-minded again, gently explain what happened so they understand the seriousness of it.