This is Chapter 4 in the series.
The Introduction was a brief background on the passing of my mom and why I’m writing this series.
In Chapter 1, we covered my mom’s growing hoarding problem and our attempts to help her out of that hole.
Chapter 2 told the story of when Mom’s urinary tract infection made her delirious and how I called the police to check in on her.
Chapter 3 discussed aging and medical care.
Now we dive into some things I learned while helping her through medical issues.
Reflections: on Caring for an Aging Parent:
Chapter 4 - Important Documents
Once we started going through Mom’s office paperwork, we realized she had not updated her will in years. Worse, the person named as executor of the will didn’t even know she was the executor.
Sadly, a similar situation happened when my aunt passed away a few years ago. No one knew where her will was located. After searching through the house, it was finally found, and that’s when my aunt’s friend discovered that she was named as the executor. That friend had asked my aunt years before to have her taken off as executor because she didn’t think she could adequately handle my aunt’s estate; my aunt said she would choose a different executor, but never did.
As a comparison, just think of your neighbor and what would happen if they passed away and had designated you as executor, without you knowing. You likely have no idea where their accounts are, what bills have to be paid, or whether you are mentally, physically, or practically prepared to administer an estate without any advance notice. That’s not a fair thing to leave someone with, especially unexpectedly. Naming someone as executor for your estate is not a casual thing. That person needs to know your wishes, where your documents are, and what they are walking into.
So, we met with an attorney and updated a number of Mom’s legal documents.
Though I took her to the appointment and was with her, I made it very clear that I was happy to step out if the attorney needed to discuss anything confidential with her. Honestly, I did not care about her possessions. I cared that the documents were in order for the day when we would have to act on her behalf.
The documents we updated included:
General Power of Attorney – For me to make broad decisions on her behalf.
Medical Power of Attorney – For me to make healthcare decisions on her behalf if she was unable to do so.
Directive to Physicians - Otherwise known as an Advanced Directive. This document designates the conditions under which you want life-sustaining treatment provided. This includes things like a ventilator (for breathing), dialysis (for kidney function), a feeding tube (for eating), or other treatments.
Will - to designate who would handle her estate upon her passing (otherwise known as the executor) and where her money and possessions would go.
A very important note here: Some people think that they can use a Power of Attorney to handle someone’s affairs after that person passes away, but this is incorrect. A Power of Attorney becomes invalid when the person dies.
I never had to use the General POA because we created a joint bank account while she was alive and because other situations did not arise that would require it. But it was useful to have it in reserve.
The Medical POA and Directive to Physicians proved much more important. The documents gave me legal authority to act, but more than that, they guided me toward what she would have wanted.
People sometimes ask me what I’ve learned from Mom’s passing and whether I’ve made any changes. I tell them that one of the very first things I did was put together a document listing all of my immediate family’s assets (checking, savings, investments, home, cars) and the associated banks and bank account numbers.
I listed car, home, and life insurance policies—the companies they were held with and the account numbers.
I discussed our mortgage and property taxes.
I listed the location of important documents, how to find usernames and passwords, and how to access files on my computer.
With my wife I discussed how income and pensions would change when I died, what insurance policies would kick in, and some future planning considerations with regard to Social Security.
And I also discussed my funeral. Though, honestly, I know I won’t be around for it, so I’m pretty much leaving that up to whatever the family wants.
I now update the document every six months, print off a copy for safekeeping, and also provide an electronic version to my immediate family members.
If that sounds like a lot of work, it was, at first. But once the structure was in place, updating it takes very little time. The peace of mind is worth the work.
I recognize that conversations about death with loved ones is not always easy. Sometimes the conversations are hampered by bad relations, other times it’s a sense of privacy (“We don’t talk about those types of things where I’m from.”), and sometimes it’s from embarrassment about debt or lack of income.
With regard to finances, not talking about them isn’t going to make it easier for your loved ones. If you are in debt and paying those debts will be the responsibility of someone else upon your death (either the executor of your estate or a co-signer), one of the most loving things you can do is have a conversation about it before you pass away. There may be things your loved ones can do to help you while you’re still alive, if you let them.
Advice
A bit of a repeat: have the difficult conversations with your family.
Most importantly: you should have a will, and it should be up to date.
Just as important, have a discussion with the person or people you are designating as executor (or co-executors) so they are aware of what you want.
And, if you want to be even nicer to your loved ones, you’ll create a document that lists important things, like: bank accounts, financials, insurance policies, important logins, and document locations.
Review beneficiary designations regularly.
Update documents after marriage, divorce, deaths, births, moves, or major financial changes.
Do not assume your loved ones know your wishes just because you have mentioned them casually.
Other things to consider:
A life insurance policy—especially if your family depends on your income to pay bills.
Advance directives are not just for old people.
