Reflections: Chapter 7 - Managing Tasks and People

Lessons learned from my mom's final years.

Jul 18, 2026

This is Chapter 7 in the series. You can find previous chapters here:

Reflections: on Caring for an Aging Parent:

Chapter 7 - Managing Tasks and People

Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash

A growing percentage of adult life seems to consist of what I call “life-maintenance activities”: submitting and resubmitting paperwork; waiting on hold, scheduling and rescheduling and going to appointments, fixing house and car problems, chasing administrative loose ends, and so on.

“I’m just going to do X” turns into “I had to do A through W just to get to X, and then I had to do Y and Z because something else broke.”

I’ve realized a key component of wisdom is understanding just how much margin you need to add into your activities and actions to be realistic about what you can accomplish in a day. Experienced craftsmen know that home repair projects and car maintenance will likely take 50% longer than you anticipate—oh, and far longer than the edited YouTube video conveys. This is the way it is with other items in life as well.

That was certainly true while helping Mom.

Checklists and notes are about the only way I can keep track of all that life throws at me. But simply tracking all the to-dos in life is the bare minimum; it’s acting on them—moving the ball down the field—that really counts. Capturing all you need to do, prioritizing it, finding time to do it, then actually doing it, that’s where the rubber hits the road.

For much of the past couple of years, we kept up with Mom’s medical conditions, appointments, and important information through shared documents. I took notes at medical appointments and recorded them in a shared document. I did this mainly so I could remember what happened from one appointment to another, but also so family members could see what I saw and heard.

Mom liked to add things to my to-do list, so it was a constant balance between getting her what she wanted versus what she needed, while also trying to balance my own time between work and family. When she couldn’t properly prioritize the wants from the needs, I did so for her, sometimes to her disappointment, but always for her good. Alas, this is what it is to make decisions for someone you love.

This entire time, my brother and I spoke nearly weekly. I would explain to him what I saw and what we went through. He lived in Albuquerque and was working full time, so he did not have the proximity to Mom or the time that I did. I am most grateful for him listening and being a sounding board on decisions, while also not dictating how he might want things done differently. I have friends whose relatives do question them…while also not providing any support themselves. That would be incredibly frustrating.

I acknowledge that my brother and I have a great relationship. It wasn’t always this way—I was a jerk older brother when we were growing up. As adults, we have grown much closer, and I cherish our relationship. When it comes to executing Mom’s estate, we pretty much see eye-to-eye on things. Plus, we’re both pretty chill people in general.

I also acknowledge the right of family members to ask questions about how a loved one is being cared for and provided for. It’s only fair, and it does allow for better decision-making. However, that dynamic takes maturity on everyone’s part. Debate and conflict in marriage are difficult enough; conflict across extended family can be even harder.

I’d like to think I was very open with my brother the entire time. From providing spreadsheets showing Mom’s finances, to using shared documents showing medical information, to regular phone call updates, I did not want the hint of impropriety. Just as I wanted Mom’s trust, I wanted his as well. This, I believe, brought me “freedom of movement on the battlefield” to accomplish all the tasks that needed to be done. Even as I continue to work through the estate and closing of accounts, I’m completely open with him on how much money is in which account, what the insurance policies look like, and I seek his input on things where decisions need to be made.

All in all, I’m grateful for his trust, it has made the process easier. I can’t imagine how much more stressful all of this would be if we disagreed strongly, fought over things, or had to go to court to resolve differences. We have become closer through this, not farther apart.

A Word About Family

While I was in middle school, my parents divorced, and I made the decision to live with Dad. He and I were getting along better than Mom and I were at the time because she represented many of the things I was pushing back against as a teenager. As shameful as it is to admit this, at the time of the divorce I thought, “This is cool, now Dad and I will get to hang out more.” Teenagers. Sheesh.

While I lived with Dad, my brother went to live with Mom back in Texas. I have tremendous respect for my brother and what he went through moving to a new place and supporting Mom. The same year that my parents divorced, Mom’s mother died. It was, as she would say, the hardest year of her life. Throughout all of that, my brother was there with her and for her. And while he couldn’t be with her at the very end of her life, he served her and sacrificed for her in other ways and at other times. Over the years, he and his wife made numerous trips to Texas to help with Mom.

I think part of Mom’s hoarding came about because my brother and I did not live near her, so we weren’t always able to help her with things. There were many times that I felt bad about what neighbors did for Mom because I felt like they were doing things I should’ve been doing. Alas, it’s difficult to manage your own family and career and life and figure out how to balance it all on top of broader family needs and responsibilities. As I mentioned, I have a lot of respect for people who can have extended family live with them. Yet I also know it’s not for everyone—either due to space, personalities, or other factors.

And also, I know there were things Mom could’ve let go of in order for us to help her more. She made choices that contributed to the situation. Ultimately, we are responsible for ourselves and our own actions, but we also need other people in life. People need people, yet people are also difficult. All these things can be true.

I loved Mom. She was a great mom. Yes, she had her faults, but don’t we all.

Advice

The more organized you are, the easier it is to find things when needed. This doesn’t make the obstacles stop coming; it just makes you more prepared for them when they do.
Use shared documents to keep track of important information and to keep friends and family on the same page.
Over-communication is usually better than under-communication.
The person doing the hands-on work needs trust and room to operate, but that person also needs to be open with others who have a say in the situation/outcome.
If you cannot help much physically, help administratively, emotionally, or financially.
Be careful how much you criticize from a distance unless you are also willing to carry some of the load.
I know every family dynamic is different. To the extent possible: be supportive, be open, be chill, be helpful, be fair, don’t be greedy.

Curated Compositions

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