A Crisis Facing Boys and Men

Jun 07, 2024

The more I learn, the more concerned I become for our nation’s boys and young men. This is not to say that girls and young women aren’t struggling, they are, and the data supports it, but I’m especially concerned about boys and men. Part of my interest in this topic comes from being a father of two young men, and the another part from knowing that a society of lost men is a dangerous thing.

What I see in many boys and young men is that they are adrift in this world, unable to make sense of it, and unable to make sense of their place in it.

I think the Surgeon General of the United States, Vice Admiral Vivek Murthy, MD, said it best:

There are a lot of young men and boys who are feeling unmoored and who are feeling lost and who are feeling like the world is shifting under their feet, who are feeling like their place in society is shifting and changing, but who are also feeling potentially that people are increasingly pointing their fingers at them and telling them that they're the problem.
We have to recognize that the data is actually quite clear that young men and boys are actually falling behind on many metrics, including in education. And addressing that does not mean that we are somehow deprioritizing caring for girls and women: young girls and women have struggled for equality for a long, long time, for generations.
I have noticed that there has been resistance to acknowledging that from people who worry that we'll take attention away from the continuing effort to ensure that girls and young women also can progress and that we can close the equity gap for them. I would not choose or between my son and my daughter, and I would not accept that as a choice that any of us should make. We've got to do both.

His last point here is important—it’s not about supporting girls or boys—both can be supported and encouraged in equal measure but in different ways. It is not a zero-sum game. Right now, though, we need to adjust our playbook for how we support boys and young men.

Overprotected in the real world and underprotected in the virtual world

In his book, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness, NYU professor Jonathan Haidt outlines the grim picture of our nation’s youth. He starts out by providing a brief history of smartphone advances starting around 2010, and then shows mental health statistics of young people since that time, all of which reflect significant increases in anxiety, loneliness, depression, feelings of meaninglessness, self-harm, and suicide; as well as decreases in satisfaction with oneself, the number of close friends, the rate at which kids meet up with friends daily, academic scores, and other troubling statistics. And this wasn’t just in the US—it occurred in other Anglosphere and European nations as well.

Haidt goes on to talk about the decline of play-based childhood and the rise of phone-based childhood. His central claim is that we’ve overprotected children in the real world and underprotected them in the virtual world. His words:

As the transition from play-based to phone-based childhood proceeded, many children and adolescence were perfectly happy to stay indoors and play online, but in the process they lost exposure to the kind of challenging physical and social experiences that all young mammals need to develop basic competencies, overcome innate child fears, and prepare to rely less on their parents.

We mistakenly thought the primary dangers in the world were outside our doors. We then built-up defenses, protected our children in castle towers, and gave them virtual access to the world. Except, the real danger lurked inside our homes and on devices.

We are digitally connected and assume this brings the same benefits as in-person connection. But we’ve been deceived. Even the word “social” has been hijacked to refer to online connections and interactions in a way that makes them seem innocuous. Yet the decline of in-person, interpersonal, physical connections has negatively impacted our society, especially children.

The Surgeon General, as outlined in his recent report on Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation, said:

When I first took office as Surgeon General in 2014, I didn’t view loneliness as a public health concern. But that was before I embarked on a cross-country listening tour, where I heard stories from my fellow Americans that surprised me.
People began to tell me they felt isolated, invisible, and insignificant. Even when they couldn’t put their finger on the word “lonely,” time and time again, people of all ages and socioeconomic backgrounds, from every corner of the country, would tell me, “I have to shoulder all of life’s burdens by myself,” or “if I disappear tomorrow, no one will even notice.”
It was a lightbulb moment for me: social disconnection was far more common than I had realized.

Different sexes, different impacts

The impact on girls and boys has been different. While smartphones brought the ability to connect to the world, anytime, anywhere, for free, girls social lives moved to social media platforms, and they were faced with the negativity that comes with filters, peer comparisons, and shaming of others. As Haidt points out,

Social media is a fountain of bedevilments. It trains people to think in ways that are exactly contrary to the world’s wisdom traditions: Think about yourself first; be materialistic, judgmental, boastful, and petty; seek glory as quantified by likes and followers.

Meanwhile, boys were drawn to online forums, video streaming, multiplayer games, and pornography. When talking about one particular boy, Haidt says,

Luca’s worldview is possible because his internet connection gives him access to a convincing simulation of many real-world pleasures-social connection, games, learning, and sex-without needing to face his anxieties and the uncomfortable uncertainty of real life.

Haidt shows statistics on the decrease in risk-taking among boys, and the increase of young men “Not in Education, Employment, or Training” (NEET). The rise of safetyism and the move to online gaming have pushed boys away from the real-world. The metaverse, interactive and augmented reality, and artificial intelligence will only make this worse.

Moreover, there is an opportunity cost of phone-based childhood—social deprivation, sleep deprivation, and attention fragmentation—that has especially impacted boys. And it’s impacted boys in lower income strata the most.

Though positive gains have been made for girls and women in the past few decades, I also think there were factors in those advancements that led to boys retreating from society, and from girls.

Richard Reeves book, “Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male is Struggling, Why it Matters, and What to Do about It” points out the educational challenges, economic shifts, mental health trends, and identity issues that have plagued boys. Namely:

Boys often perform worse than girls in educational settings, leading to lower college enrollment and completion rates
The decline of manufacturing jobs and the rise of the knowledge economy have disproportionately disadvantaged men, who are more likely to work in industries affected by automation and globalization
Men face higher rates of suicide and are less likely to seek help for mental health issues, compounded by societal stigmas around expressing vulnerability
The changing landscape of gender roles has left some men struggling to find their place and purpose in society.

As a boy or young man, if you were to only look at the popular social media channels, online forums, or blogs, you might think only two paths exist: hypermasculinity (exhibit exaggerated male behavior) or femininity (become more like women).

I don’t think either of these paths generally appeal to women who are looking for stable men in their lives, so I can understand why girls are disenchanted with boys and young men. This then leads to further disenchantment and distancing on both sides. As this occurs, young men look for “relationships” and fulfillment online—through movies, video games, and porn. And it is borne out in the numbers--the amount of dating is declining, the amount of sex is declining, and the number of children being born is declining.

So. Many. Demands.

Meanwhile, as parents we face a world with increasing demands that lead us to feel overwhelmed, underprepared, and desiring smaller families. It’s all we can do to keep up with the demands, external or self-imposed, placed on our family—there’s schoolwork, school events, sports, college prep, home maintenance, shopping, meal prep, and so much more. We become exhausted and default to handing a phone or tablet to our kids to keep them entertained while we manage all of the adult stuff…or when we just want to take a break.

Timothy Carney’s book, Family Unfriendly: How Our Culture Made Raising Kids Much Harder Than It Needs to Be, argues that the high standards set for American parenting are unrealistic and are setting everyone up for failure. This is a point on which I wholeheartedly agree, namely because I saw it in how we parented our own children. As a society, we want the best for our kids and mistakenly assume that “more” equals “better.” We’re all racing one another to get to…well, we’re not really sure. But, we’re all running faster to get there.

On her summary of Haidt’s book, Katherine Johnson Martinko says,

I suspect that many parents have had a little voice in the back of their heads for years, saying, “This doesn’t seem right.” But because everyone else is propping up iPads on infant car seats, giving kids smartphones in grade 5, and letting teens post selfies and play video games for 8+ hours a day, then it must be OK. After all, parenting is hard and confusing, and humans have always looked to others to determine what is normal behaviour.

Ultimately, this is a collective action problem. In essence, we must all work together to achieve a common goal, yet we don’t. It’s good for me to send my children outside to play, but if no one else sends their children out to play, then my children soon come back inside. It’s also good for me to delay the age my children are given a smartphone with apps, but if my children’s friends all have smartphones, the good I’m trying to do is negated by peer pressure and access to apps through those friends.

We must all work together as a society to make things better by shifting our idea of what we think will make our children flourish in life.

A government commission in Norway recently published a report “Gender equality's next step— The Men's Committee's report.” The report is in Norwegian, but Reeves provides an English summary of it here, and he ends with, “…I think the work of the Commission has significance well beyond Norway. There are policymakers around the world trying to figure out how best to begin to approach the glaring, growing problems of boys and men. Now they have a blueprint.”

Other nations are taking notice to this problem and starting to take collective action, we should too.

Why I write this post

It is not good for men to be adrift in a society. A large number of discontented men leads to trouble down the road. Find a country with discontented men, and you’ll see a country where might makes right. Thus, I feel compelled to spread this message of concern, while also offering some proposals for how to address this situation. Both Reeves and Haidt offer recommendations in their books for all kids and young adults.

Haidt’s recommendations include:

Improve the virtual world: assert a duty to care, raise the age of internet adulthood to 16, facilitate age verification, encourage phone-free school.
Incentivize real-world experience: We should stop punishing parents for giving children real-world freedom, encourage more play in schools, design and zone public space with children in mind, create more vocational education, apprenticeships, and youth development programs.

Reeves’ recommendations are:

Education and Professional Development: Improve education by adapting teaching methods to better fit boys' learning styles and increasing male teacher presence. Simultaneously, develop targeted training and reskilling programs to help men transition from declining industries to new job opportunities, addressing the literacy and skills gap.
Mental Health and Social Support: Broaden access to mental health resources for men and boys, reducing stigma and promoting help-seeking behaviors. Expand mentoring programs to provide young men with guidance and positive role models, strengthening their personal development and sense of direction.
Legal, Cultural, and Community Engagement: Advocate for legal reforms to ensure equity in family responsibilities and address systemic biases. Enhance community involvement, particularly by supporting fathers in active parenting and community participation.

My recommendations:

I don’t have any research-based recommendations of my own, but my experience-based recommendations to address the crisis facing boys and young men include the following:

All adults

Let kids go out and play. In fact, push your kids to go out and play. Give them more freedom.
If you see kids outside goofing around, making noise, exploring the world, celebrate it, don’t complain on your neighborhood social network.

Adult men

Be a role model for boys and younger men. Be a man of honor, of integrity, a man who treats others with respect. A man who is not afraid to stand up for others and protect them…yet also a man who shows calm, restraint, and humility…not arrogance and brute force.
Be a mentor. Be a coach. You don’t have to be perfect, you just need to be there.

Young men

Do things, in person, with other people. Even if (and I cringe to say this) that means playing video games together in the same room—at least that’s better than doing them separately online. Things you can do with people, in person, are good.
Don’t be afraid to delete your social media apps. Not everything you see on there is true, and it certainly does not represent the majority of people. If you feel worse about yourself after playing games, going on social media, or watching something online, then that’s a sign that you should probably not do that thing.
Remove the temptation. If you cannot operate for at least an hour without picking up your phone, that is a problem. If you cannot sit in a quiet room, read a book, or be in the middle of a conversation without picking up your phone every few minutes, that is a problem. It is an addiction. Enjoy the quiet space in your head. Train yourself to listen to people and have a conversation with them.
Take time to contemplate life and difficult topics. Yes, your brain will push back and you will want to do something easier (like get a hit of dopamine from your phone apps), but things worth doing aren’t always easy in life.
Go for a walk. See the world outside.
Invite others to join you. And, if someone invites you to do something in person, join them. It takes people to do things with people.
Don’t be afraid to date…in person. Ask someone out, even if you’re afraid they’ll say “no.” Don’t worry about the other person being the perfect match--there’s no such thing. People are difficult, marriage is difficult. But that doesn’t make it unworthy of trying.
Take smart risks. Try new things, even if you think you’ll strike out (like asking someone out on a date). Embrace the fear of doing things you’re not comfortable with, then watch as you grow past your preconceived limits.
Seek to do something meaningful in your life, other than being a YouTube star.
Ask for help.

One final note

Most of what I’ve provided here is in generalities and aggregates. Every young person is affected differently by the changes they face, and there are many shining examples who rise above it all. These exemplars are the ones we might point to as a sign that things really aren’t that bad. And while I agree that there are young people who appear to have it all together and are doing great things, there are many more who are not OK. They need our help.

I’ll end with this essay where we started, with another quote from the US Surgeon General:

“If we do not have positive role models, if we do not have a pathway, we can lay out and guide young men and boys to where they can be of service in their community, where they can feel useful and know that they add value to their communities where they can see a path for progress, then we consign many of them to go down more dangerous paths. And that's what's happening now. We've got to pay attention to that vacuum in role models and leadership for young men. But it's important to start with acknowledging that young men and boys are actually going through a crisis of their own.”
…to me, the deeper crises that we're dealing with as a country right now that are affecting our health at an individual and societal level is this deeper spiritual crisis that's marked by loneliness and by a lack of meaning and purpose that many people are experiencing in their lives.” If we're not able to address those, if we're not able to help people find more agency in their lives, find more community in their lives, connect with a sense of purpose that's rooted in something bigger than themselves, then I think we're going to have fundamental challenges moving forward as a society.

We need to work together to help boys and young men find purpose and community in their lives.